I think we all have sins that we know we’re guilty of, that we bring to Confession again and again – gossip, anger, judgement. But we also have sins that we think don’t apply to us, that we have never struggled with. For me, one of those is envy. I’ve never really envied the wealth or beauty or intellect of others – not because I’m totally happy with my own performance in these areas, but because any insecurities I have do not manifest themselves in the cardinal sin of envy.
Or… so I thought. I realised recently that I am guilty of envy. I’m guilty of envying people with ‘perfect’ Catholic marriages. I look at their blogs or Instagrams and think, “Why not me, God? Why can’t I have a faith filled marriage?” And then I start telling myself that maybe those couples aren’t as happy as they look. Maybe they suffer in areas of their marriage that I do not. Maybe it’s all show.
And maybe I’m right. But that’s the danger of envy, and why it’s so bad for our souls. It makes us whine to God, “Why can’t I have that? What you have given me isn’t enough!” And then we start wishing bad things on other people, hoping that their blessings aren’t really so much greater than ours as we perceive.
This is something I’m working on. Now that I’ve recognised that I am, in fact, guilty of envy (and pride to boot, for thinking that I was above envy!), I need to figure out how to combat it. Perhaps I need to unfollow certain accounts on social media, or say a prayer of blessing for anyone I have uncharitable thoughts toward. Furthermore, I need to focus on gratitude for a life which is, in fact, abundantly blessed. I offer a decade of the rosary each day for my marriage, but from time to time, I say it in thanksgiving for the gift of marriage, for my loving husband, for my beautiful daughter.
Envy is ugly, and it feels horrible. It makes us feel like stroppy children who aren’t satisfied with their offering of birthday gifts. God doesn’t want us to feel that way about our marriages; He wants us to rejoice in the gift of our spouses, to pray for them, and enjoy His gift to us! Yes, matrimony is meant to sanctify us, but that doesn’t mean that we aren’t also meant to enjoy it. I think us Catholics forget that sometimes – that although redemptive suffering is a beautiful dimension of our faith, it isn’t the only one. God also meets us in joy and thanksgiving, and above all, in love.